It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in miracles before, I knew they happened. My doubt came when I thought that they could happen to me. And I think this doubt, if we peeled off its mask, was really fear of what it would look like. If God did heal me of my depression and anxiety, who would I be then? I feared that all my emotions would be stripped away. I had been this way so long, I didn’t know what was a healthy amount if sad or nervous or tired felt like so I just assumed all of it was bad and if I didn’t have this illness all my deep emotions would no longer exist. Who would I even be if I didn’t carry this weight anymore? Would I still be me?
I was faced with this as I went into Carry the Love on Monday. I had met part of the team before and been involved in some of the planning, so I knew this would be radical, and unlike anything I had ever seen before, but I didn’t realize how life-changing it would be.
I went into it with hope. Hope that through radical prayer and faith that tonight would be a place of a miracle for me, and I would leave there with the chains of mental illness no longer around me. But still, I had my doubts, would God choose me to be healed, could this really be possible? So I talked with God, and asked him to take into his hands, and have someone know what I was dealing with and pray over me. I went through the night, praising him through worship and soaking up the message, the hope of healing present in the back of my mind.
Then in the second set of worship, God spoke to me so clearly by saying, “I am enough.” I knew in that moment he was the only one I needed, and that I didn’t need someone to come up to me and pray over me and to know what I was going through to leave that night changed. God was enough, and I was content with that.
But God had more plans for me. After that song, a girl came up and spoke about how God healed her form depression, anxiety, and self-hatred. As soon as those words left her lips, I began to weep. This was the sign I had wanted, and God gave it to me even though I had decided that he was enough just as he was. After she finished her story about how she had been set free in an instant, they called anyone who needed healing forward to be prayed over.
I went up with no hesitation, and the girl that had told her story came straight to me to pray over me. I didn’t have to say anything but my name, and she knew exactly what I needed healing from. She even used the imagery of my brain being rewired, which was so impactful because the analogy I always used for my mental illness was that my brain wasn’t wired correctly.
I wept as they laid hands on me, and I don’t use the word wept lightly. I felt the healing flow through my body, and a complete sense of peace washed over me, and my tears ceased. From that moment, I had so much joy in my soul. The whole night I was giddy. When I looked in the mirror, I saw myself as someone beautiful, not because my features fit the standards of society but because I was filled to the brim with God’s love. No longer was my internal monologue one of self-hatred, but one of God’s goodness. My heart no longer raced for no reason, but instead, I felt excitement for the next day and was excited for what God had in store.
It’s been interesting going about my last few days. Because I realize, I haven’t lost any part of myself by being free of this. I can still feel nervous or tired or maybe a little self-conscious, but I am able to squash those thoughts quickly and not dwell on them because I have a God who loves me and who has given me a miracle. I feel closer to Jesus because now that I’m not burdened by heavy emotions, I realize that what I feel, was what Jesus felt when he walked on the Earth. I’m sure, there were times when he felt tired, or sad or maybe even a little lonely. That he maybe could have felt a little nervous before going and giving a speech, but just as I now find comfort in knowing that fear has no place in the miracles of God, he did too.