Should I be writing a blog post when I’m a little bit weepy and so emotional that a video of a little koala that just wants it’s teddy bear while it’s getting weighed sets me off crying, probably not, but here we are. I’ll read back over later and decide if this particular wave of emotion sparks genius or just ends up making me look sad.

It was my birthday on Saturday, and I had a wonderful day spent celebrating with my mom. We got to go shopping somewhere new, I went to the Cheesecake Factory for the first time, and got some cool photos of myself that turned out pretty good considering I suck at posing for pictures, and my mom isn’t always the best at taking them. (Love you mom.)

But with this special occasion brought up some emotions too. Back at home, I would always throw pretty extensively planned themed birthday parties. I had an escape room themed party, a survivor party and most recently, and probably most memorably, a bachelorette themed party. My friends really took this one and ran with it. There were a lot of things I didn’t have planned like “home visits,” that they all collectively decided to add to the party. They came up with elaborate and completely ridiculous stories (the Italian mob appeared in one) to occur while I was visiting the families played by my friends that were already eliminated, of the final two in the running.

They came up with scandals, would constantly pull me aside to have a moment of my time like they do in a show and just went above and beyond all around. Even some of my guy friends who I thought would not be into it or uncomfortable took it and ran. I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard in one day.

And this year for my birthday I couldn’t do that. We couldn’t all get together and celebrate my birthday in whatever ridiculous way I came up with. We’re all out doing our own things, in different places and I miss them all terribly. It makes it hard because I just don’t have what I did with them here at college.

I don’t have my best friend that I know will always show up for things I plan and always has my back. I don’t have my group that I know if I plan something, and if they can, they will show up, even if they are horribly at RSVPing sometimes. I don’t have a group where I’m in on all the insides jokes and memories we have together. While I have wonderful friends here, I don’t have as close of friends as the ones I had in high school. And that’s hard sometimes.

Friendship is such a beautiful thing, but it’s also difficult at times. It’s beautiful to have a set of friends that you feel so comfortable with, but it’s really hard to leave them and have to start over a little at college. It’s beautiful to have a best friend, but it sucks to be apart. And sometimes I just don’t know what to do with this.

I don’t want to replace my friends back home, and I don’t think I could even if I tried. But still, it be nice to be more settled here. I know I’ll get there and figure things out, but right now, it’s hard.

Well, I probably just opened up way more than I should have. But that’s ok if no one ever allowed themselves to be vulnerable, then we would all think we were in this alone, when in fact we all experience a lot of the same things at one point or another. So I’ll take one for the team and share my feelings, and you can tell me if you are feeling the same. Maybe we can talk through it sometime, might be just what we both need.